Obamacare Website Kills 3 in Fiery Tragedy

Disassociated Press–Ashland, OR

The Obamacare website splash screen

If you thought the Obamakills stopped at death panels, wait until you hear about the Ashland, Oregon college students who were killed while attempting to sign up for Obamacare from their phones—while driving.

In a tragic case of texting-while-driving on steroids, Derrick Johnson, Emille Zerzan, Pierre Keith and Kristoff Hedges, all ages 20-24, attempted to sign up on the notorious government website while navigating northbound  up a lesser-traveled stretch of Highway 59 in Oregon.

All but Hedges were killed nearly instantly in the wreck, the sole survivor speaking from his hospital bed to tell his harrowing story. “It was like something out of a zombie movie, or a French post-apocalyptic abstract dramedy,” Hedges said from his hospital bed. “When I signed up, I lost my current coverage for a plan that cost almost three times as much. When I looked up at Pierre—he was in the front passenger seat—he was already screaming, ’cause he couldn’t get the site to register him. Derrick was driving, but when he found out he was losing his old insurance coverage, I think something inside of him just snapped.”

That was when the chaos turned deadly. Hedges continued, “Something reached out from that website, took control of us. Derrick…his hands were like claws, just tearing at his own face. I think Pierre took a big chunk out of his own arm, before he leaned over the seat and attacked me. I fought back, and I’m ashamed to say it but I bit off Pierre’s fingers—like his pinky, I’m pretty sure I swallowed that.” After a long pause, Hedges spoke distantly. “I think I can feel the finger slowly passing through my colon, right now.”

What happened next was ascertained after the fact, by investigators at the scene. “At that point, they veered off the road,” Sheriff Dirk Fisting said in a press conference this morning. “The car collided with a guardrail and flipped over.”

That’s when two witnesses, who had been driving south on the highway and happened to see the accident, acted fast. “They pulled the survivor from the wreckage as the car burned,” the Sheriff said, “draping him with a makeshift American flag to protect him from the flames.” Hedges suffered three broken bones, second-degree burns and bite marks on his face and chest, in the shape of the Obama campaign logo.

To add insult to injury, it is unlikely that the Obama administration will face anything more substantial than mere criticism for the Obamakill Massacre. “It would be a very uphill battle,” CNW’s own legal expert, Rand Williams, says. “Mostly because there is simply no precedent for a tort or criminal liability regarding death-by-healthcare exchange. Liberal activist judges just aren’t gonna let it happen.”

Expect silence from the media, as well. There have so far been 12 deaths caused by Obamacare, none of which have been reported in the Big Leftie Media. And, as long as the Affordable Communism Act is the Sharia law of the land, we can only pray for its next victims.

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