Disassociated Press—Burbank, CA
More details are finally emerging from the aftermath of a confrontation between Texas Senator Ted Cruz and a horde of zombies, shortly after his appearance on the Tonight Show Friday evening.
Cruz is rarely seen in public without his treasured sword—a gift from his father, Rafael Cruz, who is a Japanese swordfighting expert—but was not immediately implicated in the events on Friday. It was only after a member of his staff stepped forward that we discovered the identity of the masked crusader, who put his life on the line to protect Leno’s fans from a large group of deranged zombies.
Speaking under condition of anonymity, the staffer said, “No one talks about it. He gets hammered for the government slimdown virtually every day, but no one wants to talk about the code he lives by. He’s not a hero, you know? He’s just an exemplary American, and someone we should all be proud of.”
The trouble started when a group of pETA protestors began to terrorize the throngs of Leno and Cruz fans. “They just kept screaming all these things at us,” one Tonight Show attendee said. “No justice, no peace, all that stuff.”
That’s when things got weird.
“And I saw this guy and a girl, they both had pETA shirts on,” the witness said. “They had this piece of bloody meat, they were rubbing it all over their faces, chanting, ‘Meat is murder! Murder is meat!’ And the girl, she looked pretty pale, you know, I thought maybe she was sick or something. She collapsed, started having convulsions.” Within moments, the girl stopped having seizures. “She was dead. People were upset, freaking out. Then—one guy was giving her CPR—he let out this muffled scream, and when he looked up, half his face was gone.” The attendee looked visibly shaken. “Then, a moment later he tried to grab me. I ran away.”
According to witnesses, the crowd standing behind the dividing ropes along Bob Hope Drive at NBC Burbank Studios began to flee inside, while the four dozen or so trapped outside fled in all directions. Tragically, about twenty people—nearly all of them pETA protestors—were bitten before they could get away, becoming Walkers themselves.
Enter Ted Cruz.
“Nobody even noticed Ted leave the Green Room,” the anonymous staffer said. “We don’t know how he got to his kimono and sword, the scene was just pure chaos. So when I went to the window and saw the whole thing go down, all I could think about was Ted’s safety.” Asked about how he knew the identity of the ski-masked vigilante in Samurai garb, the staffer shrugged. “Come on man, this is Ted Cruz we’re talking about.”
During the next five minutes, a score of undead fell prey to the Cruz family sword. Witnesses saw him flow throughout the ravenous, gaping-mawed zombies, describing him as “elegant” and “swan-like” as he felled the remorseless, bloodthirsty vegans by the handful. Within minutes, the slaughter came to a standstill, with a victorious Ted Cruz standing alone, shrouded head held high, his sword poised by his side, ready to strike down any remaining undead—but, there were none.
Saturday morning, a lone streetsweeper passed through Bob Hope Drive, relegating the last gallons of blood to the gutters. Hushed, but brisk, activity in the aftermath was still visible—a plethora of CDC units stood by up the street, investigators milled throughout the studios and Burbank NBC lot, and a shredded pETA shirt proclaiming legumes to be sexy was strewn upon a bush, flapping in the breeze.
“I hope those pETA bastards are satisfied,” the staffer said. “If it weren’t for Ted Cruz, there might not even be an America for them to hate anymore.”