Original Draft of Constitution Discovered In Alleged Tomb of Christ

Vatican withheld ancient discovery from public until now

 Disassociated Press—Vatican City

Pope Francis stunned the world today when he revealed that a draft of the U.S. Constitution, printed on ancient scroll parchment made of animal skin, has been in the possession of the Vatican since long before the Shroud of Turin was handed over in 1983.

According to Pope Francis, speaking to thousands at the Vatican this morning, “(Vatican officials) negotiated with the House of Savoy some 400 years ago for ownership of the benevolent, ancient document.” It is only under the stewardship of Pope Francis that this revelation has come to light. “It is time for the world to know,” the Pope said with a smile. “It was our Lord the Christ who conceived of Constitutional law, and who wrote the first draft of the United States Constitution some two-thousand years ago. The House of Savoy revealed and passed on a written copy of this document to Benjamin Franklin in Italy, during a secret trip to Florence in 1766.” Franklin would later present the document to George Washington and other Framers of the Constitution. In turn, the Framers used their own philosophical influences, ranging from John Locke to Edmond Burke, to update the document to more modern standards.

Chatter about the impact of such an epiphany is now widespread. US House Representative Michele Bachmann gave a press conference in St Paul, MN this morning, telling throngs of excited Christians and the press, “There is no greater proof now that our great nation was designed to serve the One True Lord, and not some elitist dictator and his leftist cabal who say that we must separate religion from public life.”

Since being Christian and white simultaneously has been made illegal in the United States, conservatives have been desperate to stimulate a national conversation on the Constitutionality of imprisoning pastors, churchgoers and business owners who refuse to alter their beliefs for political correctness. Since the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell in the military, the ruling by activist judges of DOMA as unconstitutional, and the threat of ENDA (which takes the right of business owners to have religious beliefs away), Christians have sought a means to sway the public in their favor and, against overwhelming odds, get Christianity back into the national conversation.

But, that won’t be easy, says Brian Fister, spokesman for the American Theocracy Association. “Homosexuality, child-murder and discrimination against Christian folk are all legal in America, today. Getting people to turn back to God is going to take more than convincing a few folks out there that we are the most persecuted people since Adolf Hitler murdered millions of Jews. We have a Muslim-Atheist President who is a communist revolutionary. There are over two-hundred secular communists in Congress. Only four out of five people in the U.S. believe in any kind of God at all. We’re going to have to take the fight to the public spaces, the schools, the courts—and we may need Second Amendment remedies as well, in order to overturn the unlawful criminalization of Christianity.”

Help Conservative Newswire spread the good news! Please share liberally* on Facebook and Twitter!

*Not that kind of liberal. Ick.