Two million video game consoles sold, one million fanboys dead
Following the recent release of Sony’s Playstation 4, and a week later Microsoft’s Xbox One, tensions between fans of either console have erupted into full-scale violence.
Although sales for the consoles numbered over 1 million each within 24 hours of their respective releases, neither side could set aside their animosity toward one another to celebrate an apparent revival of console gaming. Once the first blows were struck, a protracted battle erupted, leaving hundreds of thousands dead and in hospitals around the US.
We interviewed various factions of both sides for comment, beginning with Xbox insurgency group Children of the Media Hub. Leader Maxwell Chief blamed fans of the Playstation 4 for militant puritanism, claiming he and his comrades have been unfairly targeted. “Taking over the living room was a perfectly innocent marketing angle for the Great Leader Steve Ballmer to aim for. Unfortunately, Sony fanboys and -girls have used this marketing campaign as an excuse to distract from the myriad of problems with the release of the PS4.”
When pressed to confront criticisms regarding the Xbox’s television-centric design model, Mr Chief only doubled down. “There was never any intention to move away from the hardcore gamer fanbase—our leaders simply wish to expand beyond the artificial borders being imposed on our people. Sony fans threw the first controller, but we shall throw the last.”
Sony fans have not been swayed by invitations to peace talks, claiming that while Xbox fans are playing the part of the victim, they are engaging in war crimes and subterfuge. “It is a known fact that Playstation has produced a superior bloodline to the Xbox,” says Chris Kratos, a high-ranking official of the Playstations of the Cross. “’Cloud computing’ is propaganda, it just doesn’t exist. The cloud, however, is code language for wiping our people from the face of the Earth. After all, clouds produce rain, and what is rain but a tool of cleansing?”
Asked to respond to the allegations of failed Playstation 4 hardware cropping up on the internet, Mr Kratos shook his head, speaking with palpable sadness in his voice. “It is true, but it is not a failure of our mode of production. Rather, it is the manufacturing group Foxconn, who are known to have been infiltrated by Al-Kinnect terrorists. It is they who we should blame, and we demand that Microsoft renounce these groups immediately.”
The prospects of a peace agreement between the two factions seem distant, says our own Zafeer Hamidi, terrorism expert and former Muslim Brotherhood operative. “Each side will retain their own perspective, with white-knuckled grip. It is not unlike the days of my youth, before my own apostasy. In retrospect, as a born-again Christian man, my hatred of the West ran too deep, the Islamic root clenched around my blackened heart. It took a miracle, and the promise of many book deals, to see the light of the Lord Christ and repent from my ways.”
Here is an account from tech writer Tank Gibson of a scene at a Los Angeles Xbox One release party:
Late Thursday evening, in the city of Los Angeles, I was present at a Best Buy when a mob of PS4 militants dressed in black and wearing face masks assaulted the line of people who showed up to wait for Xbox One’s release. They were using microwave pizza rolls and cans of Mountain Dew to pelt the Xbox fans from their vehicle. “Xboner sucks! Yoshida Akbar!” they screamed, laughing as a young girl sank to the ground, complaining of her food allergy. “Those pizza rolls!” she screamed. “Dat gluten!”
Some rushed to her aid, while other Xbox supporters tried to attack the Sony-supporting vehicle, screaming chants of their own. “Red line of death be upon you!” one man screamed as he reached into his pants and apparently defecated into his hand, smearing feces onto the car’s windshield. A Microsoft fangirl managed to swing a curved blade into the open driver side window, barking, “Death to the DualShock!” as she plunged the blade into the driver’s chest. The driver accelerated, but the car veered toward us bystanders and collided with the building. Xbox militants rushed it, pulling out the overpowered occupants and beating them senseless. As I ducked into the lobby, I heard the car burst into flames, punctuated by the screams of burning Xbox fans. When people started running into the building, drenched in flames and smoke, I escaped out the back.
In response to the events, California governor Jerry Brown declared a statewide ban on video game console purchases, and is requesting federal emergency aid. Elsewhere in the US, similar bans have been put into place, and requests for federal aid—as well as rumors of martial law—have skyrocketed.
As the war rages on, PC gamers have forged an unlikely alliance with Nintendo’s fans in North America. The two groups can be spotted in game stores, exchanging silent nods of agreement, and quietly laughing behind the backs of Sony and Microsoft fanatics.