Top 5 Conservative Gifts for Liberal Family and Friends

Tactics mean doing what you can with what you have.”–Saul Alinsky

Despite the cruelty and insatiable political libido of liberals and Leftists, family and friends are always welcome at the table for Christmas dinner–even the homosexuals (hate the love, not the lover.) And, since we know your liberal family will be smothering the green bean casserole in their Saul Alinksy-style radicalism, we thought we’d offer readers an opportunity to fight the War Against the War on Christmas from another platform—the gift. Specifically, conservative-friendly gifts for liberal friends and family.

1. Taser C2

taser C2

Since your wimpy friend complains noisily about the “rape culture” and “patriarchy” she lives in, but opposes the death penalty because feelings (but not feelings for all the tiny babies she murders every time she ‘likes’ a Planned Parenthood Facebook post), we think the Taser C2 would be a perfect gift for the wishy-washy-but-vulnerable.

From the product description:

The technologically advanced TASER C2 is designed specifically with your personal safety needs in mind. Utilizing the same technology as our proven law enforcement models, it offers incredible take down power and unparalleled protection right in the palm of your hand.

Of course, the giftee must be at least 18, and seeing as how she’s liberal, you’ll probably want to make sure she’s not on probation and has no felonies.

2. Conservative Coffee Gift Basket

Conservative coffee gift basket

Liberals cannot resist coffee. As the ideology of drug addiction, Leftism pursues all mind-altering substances legal and otherwise. Your liberal nephew will pretend he’s disappointed by this gift, but when he wakes up in the morning, the first thing he goes after is a good cup of joe. And when he pours rich 3rdRose coffee into his Thank GOD for FOX NEWS cup, he’ll be reminded that it was the job creators and imperial capitalism that made his morning fix possible. Plant seeds, folks, plant seeds.

3. Conservative iPad cover

Conservative iPad covers

Droves of flea-bitten, Starbucks-slurping gentrifiers with trust funds descended on Zuccotti Park, NYC in late 2011, billing themselves as “Occupy Wall Street.” Scurrying between workshops on Recycling Feces Organically and Sustainably and Sex-Positive Rooftop Farming for the Revolution, middle-class liberal arts majors from Wisconsin were never sighted without at least one Apple product clenched to their clammy torsos. That’s why we think a conservative iPad cover would be a great gift—and, even if your friend hates your politics, she’ll still use it “ironically.” A great opportunity to disseminate our ideas.

4. BP gas gift card

bp gas card

We can’t think of a better way to help a friend or family member, while simultaneously forcing them to betray their belief system. When they open up the envelope, don’t say a thing. Just look at the sparkle in their eye—road trip, they’re thinking. Or, now I can get to my Islamic Yoga for Beginners class that my boyfriend is paying for.

Meanwhile, your friend’s car will pump a few more pounds of harmless carbons into the atmosphere, and all that idealistic crap about the extinction of sea marmosets or whatever will take a backseat to good ol’ common sense and reality. And, from then on, every time your liberal buddy brings up the environment in one of their Marxist Facebook screeds, you can remind them of the time they got to drive to the California Redwoods using the BP gas card you gave them on Jesus Christ’s birthday.

5. A job interview

Guy filling out walmart application with a "got liquor?" jersey

Assuming your liberal uncle isn’t a union thug or Obamacare navigator already, he would probably benefit from a second chance to correct the course of his life, and there is no better way to accomplish this than by arranging a job interview for him. Of course, you will want him to swim, not sink, so think about compatibility: anything too physical is probably going to lose his interest FAST, and anything requiring common sense or above-average intellect won’t work, either. Stick to the basics: college professors make hundreds of thousands per year, with nearly minimal effort—all they have to do is spread Leftist propaganda. Try starting them off at a grade school, and encourage them to work their way up the ladder.

There are plenty of jobs that would be perfect for your Stalinist loved-one: IRS auditor, janitor at a porn shop, “specialist” at a marijuana shop in Colorado. Planned Parenthood probably needs someone to take bags of baby corpses to the dumpster out back. Use your imagination, and remember what Jesus said: “Give a man a low-wage job, and you feed him for a day; teach him how to create low-wage jobs, and you feed him for a lifetime.”


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