5 Celebrities Who Need Conservative Makeovers

Hollywood liberals sell their values to the world with a near-total monopoly in the government-tainted marketplace of ideas. This band of elites and their slobbering worshipers rule the cultural landscape like a well-funded military junta. We need to build our own army, one of New Moral Leaders, and what better way to start than by tapping into established resources? Here are 5 celebrities who need a conservative makeover.

1. Nicolas Cage

Nicholas Cage, Bad LieutenantWhat we have against him:

Has donated to Democrats
Given award by United Nations
Donated two million dollars to Amnesty International

What he has going for him:

Anyone who at one point marries Elvis Presley’s daughter leans toward a bad boy lifestyle, if only in the most superficial way. Yet, Nicolas Cage was raised in a Catholic family, and unlike atheist banshees who will scream out their godlessness to anyone who will lend them an ear, he keeps his faith quiet. And, increasing the likelihood he could be turned around, feminist welfare harpie Christina Fulton levied a lawsuit against Cage in 2009, which was settled two years later:

Fulton, who dated the actor for several years in the 1980s, had claimed Nicolas Cage failed to transfer ownership of a house to her after promising to do so and told her he would support her and Weston Coppola Cage financially.

This is the Age of Entitlement that feminist America has brought upon us, like a scimitar upon the neck of a Muslim Brotherhood detractor.

2. Oprah Winfrey

Oprah Winfrey

What we have against her:

Has provided a platform for “gay” equality
Heavy feminist leanings
Is Oprah Winfrey

What she has going for her:

Oprah Winfrey is a shining example of what someone can do if they stop living on the liberal welfare plantation and get some real serious shit done. Oprah’s triumphant rise from rural poverty to billionaire media mogul is a conservative story, whether she knows it or not. A person with this much influence would make a great difference to GOP outreach, which merely lacks the proper spokespeople to relate our message to minorities.

3. Michael Bay

ExplosionWhat we have against him:

Nothing, really. He works in Hollywood, but he’s Michael Bay. He’s perfect for the next leadup campaign to democratic intervention should Iran start actin’ up.

What he has going for him:

Testosterone met masculine patriotism, the two fell in love, and the resulting lovechild grew up to attend film school. The student later fell into a meat grinder while shooting film at a factory, and the resulting gristle was rinsed with ammonia and electrocuted. The remaining paste would finally be stuffed into the empty brain cavity of Michael Bay, who is actually a human skin puppet filled with a quasi-intelligent meat batter.

4. Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin attacks photojournalist

What we have against him:

Has worked with Tina Fey
PETA supporter (but therefore easily molded)
Strong Leftist political leanings

What he has going for him:

Alec Baldwin’s latest bold proclamations regarding the immorality of homosexuality are either a signal of overt but closeted social conservatism, or a sign of latent conservative feelings. In his struggle to understand these tumultuous inner feelings of moral clarity, Alec forgot the golden rule of conservatism: never say it loud, never say it proud—the Leftist Media Industrial Complex will always twist your words and use them to deceive. Plus, we’ve heard Alec is pretty much a big dickhead, a point that works strongly in his favor.

5. Kanye West

Rolling Stone, the Passion of Kanye West

What we have against him:

“George Bush doesn’t care about black people”
Highly racist against white people; does not acknowledge superiority of European stock
Will require re-education, which can be quite expensive. (Possible cost-effective solution: internship at News Corp.)

What he has going for him:

Religious motif. Narcissistic God-complex. Comparisons of self to public servants and historical figures. Bill O’Reilly, eat your heart out.

Kanye puts his life on the line every day as a performer. His father, Ray West, was an expatriate Black Panther-cum-self-made man. This laid the groundwork for Kanye’s seemingly intransigent behavior, a subversive vessel with which to capture his destiny. Kanye is a study in Ayn Randian divinity, being the reification of free market philosophy, intersected with living proto-art. The Christ would have been proud, and God is probably a big fan of Kanye’s use of satire to warn us of the Lord’s intolerance for worship of false idols.

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7 thoughts on “5 Celebrities Who Need Conservative Makeovers

  1. Gotta leave poor old Nick Cage alone. He needs liberal bailouts to save hime from vast real estate losses forcing him to take any role just to survive.

  2. The Dixie Chicks are primed for treatment. As much as they deny it, they’re from the South, therefore have a natural conservative outlook. No one remembers Iraq or George W. Bush. Most importantly, they learned the hard way about the power of the Capitalist Free Market.

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