Obama Promises to Relinquish Secret Nuclear Weapons Cache Beneath White House

Disassociated Press—Washington, D.C.

In an accidentally candid moment during his weekly Saturday address to the nation today, Imam Barack Hussein Obama promised to turn over the remaining nuclear weapons he presumably had intended to detonate in several US cities, beginning with Charleston, North Carolina. (It is believed that the weapon they had intended to level Charleston was exploded deep beneath the sea, 200 miles off the east coast, after the Obama administration was caught in an attempt to vanquish 90% of the US population.)

During a seemingly routine address, Barry O went straight off the reservation. “Michelle has asked me to make room in the basement for her hydroponic gardening equipment,” Hussein Obama said, staring into the camera with glossy, dead eyes. “I told her, ‘As long as you let me grow a little weed down there, we’re cool.’ I’m hoping the residual radiation left over from the bombs being stored there will produce some interesting traits in my patented Lemongrass Dream strain.”

After taking a sip from his halal 7-11 diet soda, Barry Hussein Obama apparently realized he had slipped up. “Oh, shit,” he said to millions on live television, choking a bit on his drink. “I just said that, dude. Damn, I’m baked.”

Imam Hussein Obama then attempted some damage control. “The American people deserve better. That’s why I’m going to turn over those weapons to the government of Canada, which is a non-partisan entity. Plus, last week they sent me a great gift basket packed with bacon and maple syrup, two things I really love.” It is unknown how the President reconciles his Islamic faith with the consumption of pork products, but the man is a living contradiction—being that he is both Kenyan, and American President, at the same time.

Presiding Impostor Obama ended the address by using subtle, cryptic language to threaten his conservative enemies. We at CNW have provided translations of these signals, placed in brackets. “Because of your hard work and tough sacrifices over the past five years, America is now pointed in the right direction. [KILL THE WHITE CHRISTIANS] But we’ve got more work to do to continue that trend. [KILL THE WHITE CHRISTIANS] And as long as I’m President, I’ll keep doing everything I can to create jobs, grow the economy, and make sure that everyone who works hard has a chance to get ahead. [KILL WHITE BABIES AND EAT THEM] Thanks, and have a great weekend. [THANKS, AND HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND. KILL THE WHITE CHRISTIANS.]

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